between depression and desperation

to those who will be reading this note, i won't say "my apologies". but i may ask for your understanding and please, just read as it is.

the reason i am writing is to express what goes on inside me. i am going thru a depressive stage and guilt-fed conscience right now. i don't know why, i keep on repenting but this guilt just won't go away. been bothered since 2001. it just grew and grew, darker and darker. i don't know if this feeling just won't go or i am just harboring it. i, am looking for something deeper and i can't find it. i know people says that i can only find it with God. damn, i know that. i have been a Christian almost all my life. i led the worship team before, i read the bible before, i have an existing relationship with God. but right now, that is in question. people say that it only takes one step back to God. i know that! i ain't stupid!

i thought i have already outgrew my depression, guilt, sorrow, anger and all those negative emotions. and please, don't say that i am an "emo". that is below the belt. i ain't some guy who would slash my wrist and then cry out for being so $$@!@. my negative emotions, at least, keeps me human. but then again, after some time, it does makes me question my existence. am i some dumb guy being experimented by God? then again, i know the answer is no. i have been a musician for some time now, and if i am gonna express myself thru music, it'll be a dark, heavy goth-rock music. yeah, goth music.

i don't know if this negativity has been caused by my previous relationship for 6 years that i just ruined, or just because i ruined everything. i just hope that writing on these notes/blogs help alleviate my current state. cause if not, my poems about death and dying might continue. i don't want to loose my hope. because loosing hope is as good as dying.

i just really, really hope that i can find the answer/s soon.