i have been labeled as a womanizer. i have two wonderful kids to two different women. i know, people tells me that why have i done what i have done. the answer, "i know it's stupid, but at that time, i am stupid". i love my kids. and now, i am trying to move forward, to move with my life, with what i have, with who i am with. and right now, i don't have someone. i broke the hearts, and lives of two different women. actually, to be honest, 4 women. let us leave the 4th one in peace, she deserves better. the 1st one, the love of my life, i broke her heart last 2007. i don't understand why. so don't ask why. she is one of the most fascinating woman i have met. though we have not seen each other, she says that she already saw me, we had this deep knowledge about each other, we understand each other, we communicate through voice calls and text messages while she was in the Philippines. now, she's in the UK. i really hated what happened.
and then, i added two women who's not supposed to be involved but got to anyways. i got them so involved that now, i have these two little angels with them. by the way, my kids are so fantastic. my HUNK is 8 months old and my PRINCESS is 4 months old (it's not their names by the way). i have my LUKAS EMMANUEL and MIKAELA EUNICE. beautiful kids. of course, they have beautiful moms who takes care of them. i was just hoping that they grow up not like the way i did. and hopefully, they get to see and meet and acknowledge each other. that they're siblings from 2 different moms and one "humbled" father. why humbled? because i know, i have been so stupid but GOD gave them to me.
with me, are my darkest secrets that very few people know about. i have my own demons lurking around me. i have kept them as deep as i can. and the reason i have entitled this journal as "BREAKING RECORDS" is, i have my own "track record". which is not a good one. like i have mentioned, i have been tagged as womanizer. well, we all have our own foolishness and failures. people have seen and heard of my bad records. but then, they don't know or knew who i really am. my aunt, has said that i am a deep person. i don't know about that but i feel so shallow. and some people also told me that i am a deep thinker. well, for me i am deep sleeper. hehehe... but right now, i am not trying to break my record and show the people around me that i have changed or what. i don't want them to see that i have "straightened" up. but i want to see the change in me. i wanted to know, that i have changed. i want to do it because i need to. because i am not the man i used to be. i failed, again and again. and all i want to do now, is beg the mercy of my Lord Jesus. right now, i am deeply troubled and in depression. been struggling for almost 10 years now, i want to rest. i want to be relieved. i wanted death. but death doesn't want me yet.
i wanted to again, feel God's love in me. not that i don't feel that. i am so grateful that God has let me be all these years, He just stayed near me. He just let me "play" on the devil's playground. He never left. like one of the worship songs i heard, "You never let me go, through it all...". and in return, i say to my God, "Lord, i want to come back, come home to the heart of worship... i want to rest in Your arms again. i wanted to lay down and be safe in Your arms... i want to be changed, be the man that is near Your heart also, like King David...". that is my prayer. that is my goal.
No comments:
Post a Comment