breaking records...

i have been labeled as a womanizer. i have two wonderful kids to two different women. i know, people tells me that why have i done what i have done. the answer, "i know it's stupid, but at that time, i am stupid". i love my kids. and now, i am trying to move forward, to move with my life, with what i have, with who i am with. and right now, i don't have someone. i broke the hearts, and lives of two different women. actually, to be honest, 4 women. let us leave the 4th one in peace, she deserves better. the 1st one, the love of my life, i broke her heart last 2007. i don't understand why. so don't ask why. she is one of the most fascinating woman i have met. though we have not seen each other, she says that she already saw me, we had this deep knowledge about each other, we understand each other, we communicate through voice calls and text messages while she was in the Philippines. now, she's in the UK. i really hated what happened.

and then, i added two women who's not supposed to be involved but got to anyways. i got them so involved that now, i have these two little angels with them. by the way, my kids are so fantastic. my HUNK is 8 months old and my PRINCESS is 4 months old (it's not their names by the way). i have my LUKAS EMMANUEL and MIKAELA EUNICE. beautiful kids. of course, they have beautiful moms who takes care of them. i was just hoping that they grow up not like the way i did. and hopefully, they get to see and meet and acknowledge each other. that they're siblings from 2 different moms and one "humbled" father. why humbled? because i know, i have been so stupid but GOD gave them to me.

with me, are my darkest secrets that very few people know about. i have my own demons lurking around me. i have kept them as deep as i can. and the reason i have entitled this journal as "BREAKING RECORDS" is, i have my own "track record". which is not a good one. like i have mentioned, i have been tagged as womanizer. well, we all have our own foolishness and failures. people have seen and heard of my bad records. but then, they don't know or knew who i really am. my aunt, has said that i am a deep person. i don't know about that but i feel so shallow. and some people also told me that i am a deep thinker. well, for me i am deep sleeper. hehehe... but right now, i am not trying to break my record and show the people around me that i have changed or what. i don't want them to see that i have "straightened" up. but i want to see the change in me. i wanted to know, that i have changed. i want to do it because i need to. because i am not the man i used to be. i failed, again and again. and all i want to do now, is beg the mercy of my Lord Jesus. right now, i am deeply troubled and in depression. been struggling for almost 10 years now, i want to rest. i want to be relieved. i wanted death. but death doesn't want me yet.

i wanted to again, feel God's love in me. not that i don't feel that. i am so grateful that God has let me be all these years, He just stayed near me. He just let me "play" on the devil's playground. He never left. like one of the worship songs i heard, "You never let me go, through it all...". and in return, i say to my God, "Lord, i want to come back, come home to the heart of worship... i want to rest in Your arms again. i wanted to lay down and be safe in Your arms... i want to be changed, be the man that is near Your heart also, like King David...". that is my prayer. that is my goal.

Depression

last week, is one of the "funniest" weeks, it seems. i was so depressed which started some months ago. the effect is, i got flu. it may be safe to say that my temperature that time was around 40°. why? i am so delusioning that time, seeing things that are not there, talking to myself or someone else aside from my brother. the effects were so nasty. and it is also the first time, since i got into Dell that i had to be absent from work for two (2) days! good thing is, i secured a medical certificate to justify my absence. then, i went to my son's mom. i spent a day there, spent time with my kid. was still dizzy and still having headaches. i was so confused and so "out of state" that time, whew!

i, before that week, already know that i am going thru some depressive stage... again. it happened last 2003 if i'm not mistaken. i thought i am already passed that depression, but i guess i'm back. i know i have the seasonal affective disorder. and why do i know it? i don't like christmas. and i don't celebrate my birthday. as i remembered, someone promised to help me to get out of this stage, but unfortunately, it never happened. maybe never will.

and what am i doing to at least relieve me of my depression? well, my work does help. not much, but it does. and by the way, I AM NOT bragging about my depression. i know what is happening to me, i know what caused it. and i don't have the suicidal tendencies yet, and i am praying never to have that. but it comes once in a while. but my work also triggers my depression. how? long story.

i am really looking for help. i may not show it, but i wanted help. here in the Philippines, depression is something common but not recognized easily due to a lot of things. and before i forgot, i also thought that people with depression should just look ahed of what's instore for them and they should be happy. but then again, i am wrong. i now see, and now learning what it is and what it is not. still a long road to walk on, a long journey. hopefully, i fully recover.


please, pray for me.